when you think you're failing as a parent...

We can't really fault our children for wanting "things" when, as adults, we constantly let our lives revolve around "the next big thing." Whether it is a new event, like getting married, remodeling the kitchen, starting a new job, bringing home a puppy, etc., or a new possession, like a car, an I-phone or a Wii, we seem to be driven by these "things" coming up. We plan for them. We save for them. We tailor them in our minds until they are perfect, and before they even exist in reality.
Sometimes, the things never happen. Sometimes, you have to drive the car until the wheels fall off. Sometimes, the kids have to share the bedroom because there's no way to afford the bigger house, and certainly not a Wii to go with it. Most adults have a method for reasoning with those issues...or at least their pocketbook does. Kids, I've discovered, do not.
My Isaac is very driven. He's driven, however, not by the desire to do well, or even to be recognized as a "good boy." He is driven by stuff. I tell you, my friends, I am sad to admit this. He, however, wouldn't be the slightest bit sad to admit this. He loves the thought of getting something new. Lives for it, in fact. We've had some discipline issues over the past, oh, let's see...he'll be six in October, so, five years. I've tried motivating him many different ways. Positive reinforcement, all the experts say. Self-empowerment. Build the desire to do well. Then, when that didn't work out so hot, when I realized I was just creating an arrogant little beast who didn't think anyone could "put him down," I started removing privileges. No TV. No toys. He didn't care. I listened to countless elders say "just give the kid a good-old-fashioned spanking!" And I did. A few times. He didn't like it, true, but it didn't change the behavior, either.
So now we are down to stuff. A nurse at his pediatrician's office said she motivated her kids with an allowance of sorts...she let them earn marbles for good behavior, and so many marbles (enough to reach specific lines on the marble jar) would amount to so many dollars. As a bonus, they also learned the value of money. Somewhat.
I thought I'd try it. We didn't do marbles...like I said, this kid needs to "see it to believe it." I knew that the intangible concept of marbles in a jar equaling stuff later would not work. So I started the week with $5. Each time he had a good day, at school and at home, he got to keep $1. If he didn't behave, he gave it back. He has yet to have a week when he could keep all $5. He is motivated, however, because he checks the prices of the things he wants at the store, and sees that he needs more money to buy it. The way he's going along, he may be able to buy that Bionicle when he's 12.
Friends, I don't really recommend this method, and I am a little sorry I've done it. You see, it's not that it isn't working. It really does work. It's that I'm right where I don't want to be. I don't want to be responsible for bringing another person into society that is solely driven by materialism. A counselor once told me of a similar method, but instead of money, the kids could choose an activity, such as, a movie and popcorn, a trip to the zoo, etc. I tried that too. No go. This kid wants stuff. Have I said that already? I mean, I look at his environment. He watches limited TV (by that I mean the Disney channel because I've blocked most all of the rest), and it's laden with commercials for new toys. When we go to stores, the advertising is all eye-level to kids, and even a Happy Meal at McDonald's isn't about the food in it, but rather, the toy. The cheap plastic toy that will provide, maybe, five minutes of entertainment. At school, there is a prize box, for kids who are behaving well. Isaac says to me, this morning, "Mommy, when you went to school, was there a prize box?"
"No," I say, "when I was in school, the fear of coming home and telling my mom that I was naughty, or that I got in trouble, was enough."
"Why, would she spank you?"
"Maybe, maybe not. But she would be very disappointed in me."
He half-grinned and shrugged. He doesn't get it. And in case you didn't catch it - disappointing me is also the least of his worries.
How,I ask myself,how am I failing at this? I am working to become a child counselor, and I can't even straighten my own kid out. This is looking good. I ask God, all the time, why He couldn't just attach instructions on these children when they're born. Why not? I mean, I get it, when we're adults, we're supposed to have control of things, and somehow be able to navigate life, and marriage, and even loss. That's all hard enough. But then, God, You put these little creatures in our lives, and we're supposed to "raise them right." Yeah, I know it's been done for eons. I know. So, why, with all the resources I have available, am I struggling? Is it that I have too many resources?
I found myself asking these questions this morning, as I watched Isaac skip down the street to the bus stop. I came into the house, sat down, and glanced at the Bible on my nightstand. Inside the front cover, I have taped a verse from 2 Timothy : "But as for you, continue in what you have learned and have firmly believed, knowing from whom you learned it and how from childhood you have been acquainted with the sacred writings, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus."
It was one of those lightbulb moments: one of those "aha" type things.
For it occurred to me at that moment, I was wrong.
He did write an instruction book.