Just a Dream

Have you seen the movie "Family Man" with Nicholas Cage? The one where he is a high-falutin' business man with everything and then after the altercation with the guy robbing the convenience store, he wakes up with a full-fledged family on Christmas morning? And...um...doesn't really dig it?

Some days I wonder if I'm dreaming...if my life, pre-kids, pre-responsibilities, pre-marriage, etc...isn't just a "wake-up" away. No, I'm not saying that I don't want my family...no I'm not saying that at all. I'm not ungrateful. I just feel like I'm in some sort of dream sequence, and I'm often unsure of why God chose me for this life, instead of, perhaps, another one.

Sitting at my kitchen counter, looking at the debits going out for bills vs. the credit coming in, living in a day-to-day panic, dealing with a child with undeniable behavioral issues (which the doctor calls ADHD and I haven't been able to fully accept, yet), having to move, pack, deal with sickness...the list goes on. And I'm officially griping, I suppose, for which I apologize. It's just, don't any of you ever feel this way? Please say you do.

I've been studying the purpose and meaning of Lent, and today I've finally reached the point that I think God has been asking us to reach. I sat here with my cheek pressed against the cold counter top, racking my brain for answers. "If I pay the hospital with this paycheck, I can wait on the car payment till next week...and still have some room for groceries..." and it happened. Turn it over. Our pastor preached about turning our worries over to God, a few weeks back, and I half-heartedly went along with it. It's a nice concept...but really? I doubt God'll pay my bills or make my kid behave. And truth is, He won't...exactly. But He will listen and He will see, that somehow, everything works out.

I found a greatly supportive quote by Ian Maclaren: What does your anxiety do? It does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, but it does empty today of its strength. It does not make you escape the evil; it makes you unfit to cope with it when it comes. God gives us the power to bear all the sorrow of His making, but He does not guarantee to give us strength to bear the burdens of our own making such as worry induces.

So, I'm gonna try. I really will. Pastor Pat said to cast our worries upon Him and then go to sleep. He's going to be up all night, anyway.