Sometimes

...I find myself crying for no reason. I know that's a symptom of something horrific, according to one of those chemically life-altering anti-depressant commercials, but, alas, I do. I used to think my mother was insane for crying at Hallmark commercials, but...now that's just par for the course. Sometimes I can't even go in to a Hallmark store. Well, and that Maxine just gets me going, too.

So, today, as I was sitting in my dark and clouded dining room, I found myself staring at a "mega-noodle" on my spoon. I was thinking how it was indeed much more practical than an "average-noodle,"when suddenly, something plopped down into the liquid. I thought to look up to the ceiling, but I then realized it was a tear. I plunged the spoon back into the bowl of Campbell's and rested my forehead into my palms, twisted the pressurized knob of the emotional spigot in my brain, and let everything pour out. A flood of all things unspoken (at least unspoken to most) came rushing through my head; tightening my throat, burning my eyes and making my nose begin to run.
Next week I have to go and have another ultrasound, and it terrifies me. What if it's something really bad and...what if my kids, God forbid, had to grow up without me? In two weeks, I'm turning 30. In 10 years, I've been a wife twice, a mother three times, and I've lived in four houses, not counting the cottage and three apartments. Yet, I still haven't figured out what to do with my life. I just know it goes on, whether you figure it out or not.
And then,there's the deep-dark secret. No, I'm not going to tell you what it is, but it's there, tucked away, all the same. Right there, snuggled next to "no one understands you." They've become good friends. And the reminder I give myself: "you can't get upset with people because they don't understand, and not everything you do can be undone."
Today is my little baby girl's birthday. She is two! She is two.

I suppose I could have been crying for any of those reasons. Sometimes, I just do. And so I sat, staring at the orange and brown and green stripes of my place mat, and feeling the warmth of a ray of sun, creeping between the limbs of a tree and making its way through my dining room window. For now, though, I tell myself, it's time to dry it up and put on a smile. There's a cake to be made, some laundry to be done. There's a little boy who wants to me to play Legos, and another one who will want to tell me all about his day at the school farm. Yes, so just get up.

Tomorrow, after all, is just another day.