Some of those "Darndest Things"

Art Linkletter made good money from his ability to chat with children on early television, amusing audiences everywhere with the hilarity that comes from "the mouths of babes." Bill Cosby made a few bucks on it too. I outta be a gosh-darn millionaire. If NBC or any of its affiliates want to put on some good TV, I'll gladly provide my address, you can show up at my door and start filming.
My oldest son has a new saying, "If you make me go to my room, I'll get in your jewelry box and TAKE SOMETHING!!" ...and that's in all caps because he screams the last part. Where's the funny part, you say? This kid actually thinks I have valuable stuff in my jewelry box....
Other notable quotes from the oldest:
"I'm five now, and soon I get to pee in a cup"....(to his Sunday school teacher)
"Is this a Diego backpack? Is this a boob? It smells like stankin' cheese"....when handling a maternity strap-on "see how this shirt'll fit when you're huge" belly pillow thing in the Motherhood dressing room. After I told him not to touch anything.
Better yet are some of the things I say that I would have never imagined saying. Seriously, without batting an eyelash, the following phrases come out of my mouth....regularly.
"You cannot pull his arms off."
"Get your finger out of your nose, it's gonna bleed."
"Did you flush? No. I didn't hear it. Go flush. And then wipe the seat."
"The cat does not like to be put in a stocking."
"If you keep talking, I'm going to stop listening."
"Don't touch the walls, don't touch your brother, don't touch the dog or he'll bite you. Don't touch anything. Put your hands in your pockets."
"No, you can't drive."
"Yogurt will not keep in your room."
I'm a church going woman...but even in the house of the Lord, I can be pushed to my limits. Tonight, while putting up the church Christmas tree, this poured from my lips:
"You know what? This is God's house. And He doesn't want His house messed up either. So if you don't pick that up, sit down and quit acting like a wild animal, you're gonna have to sit in God's time-out chair, and He will tell Santa Claus because He knows him!!!"